This is Part Two in a series about our adoption story and the book Alongside.  You can read Part One here.

No Birthdays

“This is the first real birthday party I’ve ever had.”  These words appear in chapter 21 of Drew Hill’s book, Alongside: loving teenagers with the Gospel.  They were spoken by a young man named Vince that Drew got to work with at The Dale House Project in Colorado.  They were also spoken by several of our boys at Falcon Children’s Home.

The first time these words came out of a 16-year-old’s mouth, I cried.  How did he go all of those years without being celebrated?  My birthday had always been my favorite day of the year!  My mom and dad always made me feel so special!  And yet here I was, looking at this boy who had never experienced having his own special day and he was very appreciative of our very small efforts to have a party for him.  It was just us and our boys.  We had bought a few decorations and small presents.  We had a cake and some snacks.  It was the same thing we did for all of our boys, but we made sure to never miss one of their birthdays!  We never knew how much of an impact it could make in showing them Jesus’ love for them.

Tyler’s birthday is in November, so we did not get to celebrate any birthdays with him while we were at the children’s home.  One of the first things he told us when he came to live with us is that his 16th birthday had been forgotten.  His houseparents tried to make it up to him, but in his mind their efforts did not make up for his disappointment.  My heart hurt for him and we have tried to make every birthday since then as special as we can.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

Just a Visitor

After we left Falcon, we were only able to visit Tyler and our other boys a few times.  We were even able to bring Tyler to our house to spend Thanksgiving with us in 2014.  He got to go with us to pick out our Christmas tree and we got a group picture.  Little did we know that we had just taken our very first family photo.  We had a very good visit with him and it was hard to take him back, but we had no choice.

What are we going to do?

Just a few months later, I received the call I had been waiting for and dreading: “Tyler has been found, but he can’t go back to Falcon.  I don’t know what to do with him!  I think I am going to have to leave him in DSS custody.” My heart stopped.  “What are we going to do?  What can we do?” These questions raced through my mind as I continued to listen to Tyler’s grandmother. Tyler had been missing for about a week.  I had been in touch with his grandmother several times during that week, because we were so worried about him.  I was so relieved that he was found, but the thought of him in DSS custody and having to go to just another foster home sickened me.  He had already been in foster care for 8 years.

But what could we do?  We had talked about fostering and had even mentioned how cool it would be to have one of our boys in our home.  But how do you pick one boy to bring home?  We had decided at that time that we were not ready.  We had that conversation only a week or two before Tyler had gone missing.

After I got off the phone with Tyler’s grandmother, I burst into tears.  I was on my way to Virginia for a work conference and Ben was going to join me later that evening.  I felt helpless.  So I called Ben.  His response, “Should I go get him tonight?”  And so it was decided right then.  Tyler was going to come live with us.  We were not sure if we would be able to keep him, but we were going to find a good home for him if we couldn’t.  Ben did come join me that night.  We went to bed not sure where Tyler was, but there was nothing we could do about it.

Don’t Get Off The Bus!

On Saturday morning, I waited anxiously for Tyler’s grandmother to call me.  We were not sure how everything was going to work out yet.  Finally she called.  Tyler had spent the night at the children’s home and was being put on a bus to her house in Columbia, SC, that morning.  He did not know that he was going to come to us.  My heart sank.  I knew that if he got on that bus without knowing that we were coming for him that he would disappear again.

I frantically called the children’s home.  He was already on his way to the bus station.  I got the number to the person taking him there and quickly called.  I was so relieved to hear his voice on the other side of the phone as I told him the plan.  He was going to spend one night at his grandmother’s house and then we were going to meet her halfway to bring him home.  “Do not get off the bus!  Do you understand me?  We are coming for you tomorrow.”  “Yes, ma’am.”  He sounded so broken and lost, but I had given him hope.  I found out later that he had left the children’s home, because he wanted a home.  He wanted a family.  He wanted to be a normal teenager.

Home!

We literally had no room for Tyler in our home.  We lived in a small two bedroom house, so Tyler got the couch.  Fortunately we had a good-sized backyard with a fire ring.  He spent a lot of his free time out there burning fires and building things.  This was in January, so it snowed within the first month of him being there.  He spent the snow day building a very impressive fort and playing with our kids.

It did not take long for him to take on the role as big brother to our kids.  When he was little, he was the oldest kid in his home, so he cared for and practically raised his three younger siblings until he was taken into foster care at the age of eight.  I saw the relief in his eyes when I told him one day that he did not need to parent my kids like he had naturally started doing when he first got here.  From then on he settled into just being a big brother with ease.  All of his siblings adore him!

As time went on, God provided for us in some big ways.  We were able to move into a bigger home in the school district we wanted Tyler to attend.  It only took us a few weeks to realize that we were meant to be Tyler’s family and that we didn’t need to look for another one.  He belonged with us.  We tossed around adoption a few times, but did not bring it up to him.  We didn’t think we could afford it and it would not change our commitment to him, so we did not pursue it.  He had wanted to be adopted two years prior, but we were not sure if he even wanted to be adopted.

Forever?

We had no idea how much adoption meant to Tyler.  Chapter 7 of Alongside is entitled “The Delight of the Father.” In it Drew talks about the importance of kids, especially teens, to know that they are loved and accepted no matter what.  They also need to know that they belong even when it appears that they are pushing away from their family.

“I love you, not because of anything you do, but just because you’re mine.”

This is what Drew tells his children every night.  He saw it modeled by the couple who did his pre-marital counseling.  Tyler already knew the Father’s love and had accepted Him into his life when he was younger, but he had never had anyone model this love for him.  The “parents” that he had in foster care only showed him conditional love.  They kept him until he messed up.  Then he got passed on to another home or group home.  He needed to know that his place with us was secure no matter what.  We did not realize how much he needed that part of the Gospel lived out, but God did!  He opened a door for us to be able to afford his adoption!

And then we got to ask Tyler one of the most important questions for us and him, “do you want us to be your forever family?”  To be continued…

Prayer at the end of “The Delight of the Father” in Alongside:

“Abba Father, …Oh, what love you have lavished on me, that I should be called a child of God.  Abba Father, may you lavish that same love on Tyler.  Grant that I may love others in a way that reflects your delight in them. I am wholly yours.  Amen.”